When you wish upon a star -Phan-
by kittyxuchiha11
Summary: Dan Howell is a hardworking famous lawyer that seems to be destined for greatness...that is until his daughter who means the world to him becomes seriously ill. Phil, their doctor quickly befriends Dan, becoming Dan's only support in this hard time. So when Lilly's health is miraculously restored, Dan begins to wonder exactly what Phil could have done. Please read.
1. Chapter 1

Dan never thought of himself as a religious man. Whatever life threw at him, he'd find someway to pull through. If that was relying on others or on himself. Then he'd do it. Not even in terrible situations would he even think of turning to religion for help. There was no god. He'd told himself that over and over again. If there were then why did bad things happen? Why did horrible things such as war and disease still exist. Surely if there was an all powerful god he'd end the suffering on earth.

So why now did he find himself praying to some imaginary man in the sky?

Maybe he finally found some faith. Of maybe it was desperation. Either way, he needed to talk to someone. Anyone. He needed help and fast. And honestly, he couldn't think of anywhere else to turn.

So god it was.

It was only as he sat alone in that chapel -Hands clasped together while resting on the pew in front of him in a silent prayer- that he realised he was actually believing in something he knew nothing about, or even believed for that matter. Dan was a professional man. A lawyer to be exact. He'd done everything to impress his parents and maybe that's why he was sat here today.

He'd gone to university to study law. Settled down with a girl they liked, but he couldn't stand. Had a kid with her. And of course, this was all to keep them happy. It wasn't that he regretted being with her. She had brought the most important person into his now current life. He regretted being with her to keep his parents happy.

He knew he was gay all through high school but didn't dare to tell his parents. Having secret relationships with boys after every sour break up with a girl he just wanted to be friends with. So of course actually settling down and having a child with a girl was the hardest thing for Dan to do. He was a gentleman though. And honestly he was best friends with Katherine at the start. Of course she knew he was gay but they kept this up to keep both their parents happy. After their daughter Lilly was born, that's when the trouble began.

It started off as small arguments about silly things which had grown into full on screaming matches by the time Lilly had turned three. They broke up after that. Katherine refusing to be with him. They fought over custody of Lilly for the next year, Dan eventually winning because of his parents influence on the trial.

But that's when things started to slip.

Katherine was beyond even hating Dan by the time she somehow ended up at his parents house at a ridiculous time in the morning. Of course they let her in, only realising she was drunk when she stumbled over to the couch. Only in her drunken mind would she even have the guts to tell them what she did. She told them his biggest secret. The secret he had managed to keep for so many years.

She told them he was gay.

There were many more arguments after that. His mum and dad telling him it was wrong and immoral, and all that stupid stuff. Dan felt like a kid again. Being cornered and screamed at for messing up. But he wasn't a kid. He was a fully grown man with a child to look after.

He had to be strong.

His mum and dad made it clear they didn't want to talk to him again. Katherine moved abroad to get as far away from him as possible. If that was the guilt of knowing what she'd done to him or whatever else.

So now he was all alone.

All alone in the hospitals chapel praying to an invisible man in the sky. He questioned his sanity as he opened his eyes and sighed aloud to himself. What was he even trying to achieve by doing this? This wouldn't help.

This wouldn't save her.

His thoughts were interrupted as he heard the quiet creek of the door opening. He rubbed at his eyes tiredly, sighing once again before looking to see who had caused the noise. There, stood in the doorway was their doctor, Phil. His baby blue eyes widened as his gaze fell on Dan.

"Oh, Dan."

"Hi" Dan managed to grumble back, clearing his throat and flashing Phil what he hoped was an apologetic or at least pleasant smile. Phil nodded in acknowledgement and let his gaze fall to the floor. He made his way further into the chapel, stopping as he passed where Dan was sitting.

"You've got to have faith, Dan." he said softly as he layed a hand on Dan's shoulder "I come here everyday to pray for my patients, especially for Lilly" he paused "You just have to have faith"

Dan looked up at Phil as the dark haired mans words hit him. Faith? Faith in what? Surely if god was real he would end this nightmare already. He wouldn't let Dan suffer like this.

"But how? You've seen what she's going through. I can't just-"

"It's about patience. It will happen if we ask god for it"

"But what if there is no god. What then?"

Phil sighed softly, looking directly into Dan's eyes before giving his response.

"We can only hope there is. If not, then maybe just believing there is will make us feel better about ourselves"

Dan closed his eyes, laying his head against his still tightly clasped hands as he felt the pressure on his shoulder disappear. And sure in that moment he had no idea what he was doing or why. But he knew he was so desperate he had to try this one last resort.

"If there is anyone listening" he paused, willing his voice not to break as he felt his throat tighten with the threat of tears.

"Please don't let me lose her"


	2. Chapter 2

Dan never realised how hard being a parent would be. He really did think everyone exaggerated when he talked about how babies never stopped screaming. Or the tantrums that came with the terrible twos. Dan had always wanted kids. Preferably he wanted to find the right guy and raise a kid with him. But raising Lilly with Katherine was just as good. That is if you ignored the arguments.

But Dan had always wanted kids and always wanted to bring them up right. Bring them up to respect people and be pleasant. Never forcing them into anything like his parents had. Dan had never actually expected to have trouble with Lilly. When she was born he was so happy he even cried. But everything began to get to him after that. Her screams that ripped through the silent night air and filled him with fear. He'd wake up with a start, scanning around the room in a panic to realise it was only Lilly. The nights he'd stayed up with her, letting his own tears fall because he couldn't cope.

He thought he was ready. He thought he could handle a child. But within three months he couldn't cope with the stress of work then coming home to that. Of course his arguments with Katherine didn't help. Them having stupid arguments like why didn't he buy bread on the way home from work or some other trivial thing like that.

Most nights he didn't want to come home at all.

And sure things got better after a few months. Lilly began to smile and laugh and just hearing those cute little giggles made Dan's heart melt. Any negative feelings he had about his daughter completely disappearing. He didn't work as much, staying at home to spend more time with Lilly. And over time, they grew to be complete inseparable.

When Katherine refused to live in the same house as him and threatened to take Lilly away. That was the first time Dan ever felt that horrible feeling. That horrible feeling of fear that made him feel nauseas. There had only two times that had happened in his life and he hated that feeling more than anything.

The second time he felt that feeling was the worse. He had been tucking his now five year old daughter into bed. They now lived in a fairly average two bedroom house. Sure it wasn't the best place to live and maybe they could have lived in some better house if they had still been in contact with his parents. But they were fine on their own. Just Dan and Lilly living their little lives happily together. He'd patted her stomach playfully as he tucked her in and said goodnight. She flinched then, telling Dan her tummy hurt.

Of course he didn't think much of it, brushing it off as a little stomach bug or something. He asked if she wanted some medicine to make it better. She shook her head, squirming to try free herself of the covers tucked tightly around herself. Dan had pulled back the covers, feeling more confused than scared as his daughter gingerly lifted her pink night gown up and pointed to her lower stomach.

It was only when Dan lightly ran his fingers over what was supposed to be smooth skin that his stomach dropped. He froze, fear paralyzing his movements as he just stared at the hard alien mass, which he knew didn't belong there. A million thoughts running through his head as he gazed at Lilly with such fear in his eyes that he knew she could tell there was something seriously wrong. Out of all those thoughts there was only one which tugged at the back of his mind. One that he wished he knew it couldn't be.

Cancer.

Of course, it had been what he'd feared. They'd told him there was in fact a tumour and it was cancerous. He didn't cry at first. He'd curtly nodded, taking a shaky breath as he looked to where a nurse was trying to distract Lilly as they stabbed his little girl with all these needles. Taking blood with one, doing whatever else with another. He honestly had no idea what they were doing to her but it scared him so much.

And all Lilly did was scream. Scream and cry for daddy. It broke Dan's heart, knowing he was no good for her now. He just stood and watched as she slowly calmed down, falling into a deep sleep thanks to the drugs pumping through her tiny veins. It wasn't until more than an hour later he'd let himself break down in ugly sobs. Covering his face with one hand as he tightly clutched his daughters in the other. Wishing, hoping this was all a dream and he'd wake up. A nightmare he would wake up from and sigh a sigh of relief because, it was only a nightmare.

But as the weeks ticked by he discovered it wasn't a nightmare. This was in fact reality.

As real as it could get.

He'd still been in his little dream world. Telling himself everything would be okay and they'd go back to living their lives happily together. When he'd meet Phil, their doctor who decided the course of action of what was to happen to Lilly next. He didn't want to listen to him. They'd had several meetings, Dan not really listening and only nodding in response. He refused to believe what he was hearing. She couldn't have cancer. That just didn't happen to little girls who were only five. That just couldn't happen to his Lilly.

************************************************** *******************

"Mr Howell…do you have a minute?"

Dan looked up from his place at Lilly's bedside. He was currently holding her hand tightly in both of his, eyes sleepless mind just watching her chest slowly rise and fall with every breath. He never thought for one moment that he'd ever appreciate her little breathes. Every breath meant another moment she was alive. And maybe that was the reason he didn't want to leave her side. He was terrified if he left her side she would slip away. As if his presence were enough to keep her alive.

"Yeah…please, call me Dan" Dan replied weakly, rubbing his eyes before lifting himself from the dark blue chair. He held his head, closing his eyes for a second as he tried to chase away the dizziness he knew was caused by his tiredness. When he opened his eyes the noticed Phil's worried eyes on him.

"Are you…okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Just a little tired"

Phil opened his mouth, obviously wanting to add something else but didn't. He let his gaze fall to the floor before motioning Dan out of the room.

"What is it?" Dan asked softly when the were now out of ear shot from Lilly. Dan didn't like being in this place one bit. Actually, he really, really hated it. But he was glad that Phil seemed to be one of the nicest and definitely most considerate doctors in here.

"Well…" he paused, looking into Dan's eyes with a look Dan really couldn't read. "Look. There's no way to see this but…the tumour isn't responding to what we're currently giving her. If it continues to grow at the rate it is" he sighed, his expression changing into one that Dan knew meant what he had feared.

"What are we supposed to do then" Dan asked, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. He knew he needed to stray strong for her. Yet that seemed to be proving impossible. Every bit of bad news piling up and up, making him just want to cry like a kid again. But he needed to be strong. He had to be.

"Cytotoxic. Chemotherapy. It's our next move. If it works it will hopefully shrink the tumour. But if that doesn't work…I'll think of something else"

Dan bit his lip, nodding before averting his eyes to the floor. He could feel tears stinging his eyes and at that moment he didn't care anymore. He wanted to be strong, he really did. He wanted to be able to smile and agree. Be confident and glad that there was something they could do. But he just couldn't feel like that. He wanted her to be okay and couldn't bear to think she wasn't going to be.

Phil edged closer to Dan, pressing a hand to his upper back in some sort of comfort as a strangled sob passed the younger mans lips. All Phil could do was gently rub Dan's back, tying to convince him everything was okay. When in reality, even Phil knew it didn't look good.

"Hey, Dan. Please don't cry. I'm sure Lilly will be okay. She seems like a tough kid. She's bound to pull through.

Dan didn't reply. Only sobbed harder, leaning into Phil. He covered his face, feeling so stupid and childish crying into their freaking doctors shoulder. But he couldn't help it. He just couldn't deal with it.

He just wanted her to be okay again.


	3. Chapter 3

It's not that he can't sleep. He thinks he sleeps a lot, but doesn't actually know if he does or not. Whenever he tries to shut off his brain, it won't listen. It doesn't matter how many times he repeats over and over to himself 'empty empty empty' his mind just won't obey. It's crazy to think that maybe his lack off sleep could be the reason to the way he feels.

Then there are other nights when he sleeps fine. His head can hit the pillow and he'll awake in the morning. He never feels refreshed though. He always feels as if there is this tiny presence in his mind telling him all the negative thoughts he's trying to so hard to lock away. The moment he opens his eyes he heard his mind speaking those words he doesn't want to hear.

She's going to die.

He won't accept it. He can't. and the fact it's his own head which is telling him this, it's infuriating. If it was someone else, he'd tell them to shut up, tell them she'll be okay and they don't know anything. But it's him. It is his own mind reminding him of his own thoughts which he doesn't even want. Thoughts which he thinks can't be his thoughts, because he doesn't believe them.

He shakes his head roughly as the elevator doors open with a small ting. He wonders if it's possible to fall asleep standing up as he is now. He'd slept the night before. His sleep being darkened by the shadows which loomed in his mind. He'd dreamed of her. Normally his nightmares consisted of her dying, or at least something bad happening. But this one was just weird more than frightening. He'd woken up with a shiver, not being able to shake the unfamiliar feeling of coldness creating little bumps on the surface of his skin.

He's dreamed of a tall pale man in a dark suit wondering the hospital. The man alone wasn't the part that made him feel uneasy. He watched the dark figure make his way through the white corridors, pausing in the doorway of a room Dan knew only too well.

Lilly's room.

The man had walked in, his eyes set on the heart monitor that beeped softly in time with her heart beat. His gaze then shifted to her. Her small form breathing faintly as he she hugged her toy bear to her chest tightly. It had only been after the man had made his move towards Lilly that Dan thought the dream seemed strangely real. He stood by her bedside, his eyes not leaving her for a second. His hand reached out, moving towards her neck when- Dan woke up.

He groggily made his way towards Lilly's room, trying to push the strange dream to back of his mind where the rest of his thoughts lay. When he entered the room, Lilly was already awake and smiling softly. Phil was perched on the edge of her bed, a small portable dvd player sitting before them both. They both looked absolutely lost in which ever film they were watching. By the sound of it, possibly the lion king. It wasn't until Dan took a tentative step into the room that Phil noticed he was even there.

"Oh, good morning, Dan"

"Morning" he replied, clearing his throat before looking to Lilly who seemed to be torn between watching the colourful pictures or looking at him. In the end she settled for smiling weakly at Dan.

"Morning daddy" she said softly, disappointed at herself that it didn't come out as happily as she had wanted it too. Lilly was normally such a happy little girl. Always laughing and smiling. But since the chemo started, she just hasn't had the energy at all.

"Morning, baby girl" he said as he crossed to the bed and sat down gently on the other side to where Phil sat. "How are you feeling baby?"

"Good" she said with a smile, obviously lying to please him. Dan didn't want to believe all the little things he noticed. But he knew they were true. Every time she told him she was okay, she was lying, she wasn't okay. That much was very very obvious. Yet Dan still didn't want to believe that.

"Well…I better get going-" Phil began quietly, immediately being interrupted by Lilly.

"But we were watching this together" she said softly as she pointed at the screen, giving him her best puppy dog eyes.

"But daddy's here now, wouldn't you rather watch it with him?"

She shook her head, making grabby hands at Phil. "Stay, please?"

Whether he actually wanted to stay, or felt bad for her in that moment I don't know. But he let a small sigh escaped his lips before he made his way back over to the bed. "We can watch the rest of this, then I have to go, okay?" Phil questioned, bringing the chair over to sit next to the bed.

Lilly seemed to have really bonded with Phil. I know most little kids will happily befriend anyway, but Lilly wasn't like that. She was always a little shy and found it hard actually making friends. When she made her friend, sure she could ramble on for hours. But actually talking to them in the first place, she seemed to shy away from the idea. That's why seeing her being so friendly with Phil was so nice. He was just like a friend to her. Always sneaking in colouring books and other things to keep her busy. It was still pretty amazing how Lilly was actually trusting him. She was wary of ever other member of staff. Yet with Phil, she was completely comfortable. As if they had known each other a life time.

"Daddy, come on" I looked up, meeting Phil's gaze as he smiled at me from the chair beside her.

"I think she wants you to join us" Phil said with a small laugh, looking to Lilly who nodded with a grin then moved over to create just enough room between her and Phil.

"Okay then" I groaned dramatically, a smile gracing my lips which completely ruined my pretence. Lilly grinned as I took her tiny hand in mine and perched on the edge of the bed beside her. She felt so small and frail at my side now. It was almost as if I didn't notice the once happy active girl beside me. She snuggled into my side, turning her attention back to the screen which had been paused while we all got into position.

"You like this one, don't you Lilly?" Phil asked, peering over me to see her entranced expression. She nodded, un pausing the video as if to say 'I'm watching this, don't talk'.

It was only as we sat there, Lily cuddled up to my side while my arm was around her securely. That I even began to feel slightly at ease. This is how it used to be. Us cuddled up watching films without a care in the world. It had been two weeks since she had been admitted to hospital. Two long torturous weeks in which I had given up any faith in believing a miracle would occur. Yet I still thought that we didn't need a miracle. This stuff could be cured. It had been done for, they could do it again. She would be alright.

She had to be.


End file.
